December 2009
94 posts
i resolve to: paint more sit around less love more be afraid less talk more finish my ‘book’ be a better daughter prepare myself for the worst by enjoying the best believe in romance travel to america in december ‘10
so i laid in the tub and let the hot water run until i was covered. my lungs fell out of my mouth, and i cried and cried. i crawled over the bathroom tiles and threw up in the sink, ran the shower and sat there until i found my bones again. every day i hold myself at arms length, i let events roll around in my mind until i find a way to write about them. when i write about them, they’re not...
she said that all the poisons put her cancer in a holding pattern. i guess thats how i feel. the black caviar in her body that keeps it’s claws around her neck has it’s fingers in all of our throats. im just waiting. for what, i dont know. i just stay up all night, hiding under my bed. because i like the monsters there better than the one that is killing her. tickets and knives are my...
black ink floods my mouth chemicals and stains getting the better of me. i wait around like a fucking fool for you, for all of you. here’s the shake, the metal between my teeth: i do not love, and my body does not recover. black out. because none of you know shit about this monster, about my breaking heart. and all that you need to know is that you never wanted to know.
Watchpretty sure this is the most ridiculous, obnoxious, offensive and yet most awesome video ever made. alyssa got off work and i rolled straight out of bed for this one. get to sydney, girl. i miss you.
“You are beautiful like demolition. Just the thought of you draws my knuckles...”
– - henry rollins
(via thechocolatebrigade)
(via kurisutin)
(via pie0) (via tattoosandcupcakes)
you’re warm on my belly when we’re talking about new york. about paint underneath fingernails and the brooklyn bridge. about my mother, and the ways you could save me from losing footing. i know you tell me not to be so tough, but you gotta realise how hard that is. you have to know that every other person forgets to let me crash through their gates with this. im so used to staying up...
“i never sleep because sleep is the cousin of death.”
two can play at this game,
fucker.
all i ever wanted from this stilted stupid back and forth was some kind of closure. something to suture my heart shut and just rid my mouth of all the ways i loved you. something to bleach you out of the months we spent locked inside the wet heat of your body over mine, something to paint black the years caught underneath the weight of whatever clever lines held us together. but im not strong...
nan: i always wished your grandfather was steve mcqueen.
i woke up at 3am and thought about my life without you in it i thought about the empty spaces the hallways the doorways where you wont be anymore and i couldn’t sleep. i just walked through kitchens and caves to the foot of your stairs and laid my head. this is what i do at night: i wake up and find my way closer to you, because i dont know how many breaths you have left and i dont know what...
i don’t know how many people have had to sit through a death march instead of eternal life. i know that im petty and small and less of a woman than i could have hoped for. but in the sweet sticky of my summer bed, i don’t want to be lonely no more. i don’t want no part of this. im sick of holding out my arms, sick of the fight. without a mother, what am i? but a lost daughter, a...
it was in the still dark of morning when i had to tell him that she died. we were all sitting around with cans and lines and litter, talking slow, talking shit. casting out letters like anchors to take hold in our unsteady feet. your hands clutched at my ankles when i told him about her heart stopping, you didn’t even know her. and i guess i’ve learnt to speak like i didn’t know...
i think about you and i get a stomach full of lust. it’s teeth are sharp and it’s fingers work through my guts, laying it’s weight against me. you and i underneath rain and a ribcage of want. wet into wet. you push me like i pull you, threading each other like needles. our bodies span cities. your voice fills my throat and i lose everything but the feeling of your neck under my fingers. i think...
i woke up to a poem that emptied all the words from my mouth but left them rotting in between my ribs, underneath my skull. i wish it was as easy as kill/suck.
there is a man that used to be a boy i knew he’s now swollen around the middle his hair is thin his eyes look the same he reads a book about snakes and venom and keeps stealing looks at me i know he recognises me i can tell he remembers me sixteen and ripe with bubblegum lips but i just drink wine and stare through him with no energy for pleasant words.
i am not sleeping, just finding letters that i buried in the roof of my mouth. i wrote them all for you. im running heartbeats up like phonebills, but it’s all in the name of something that im not even sure i am capable of feeling anymore. i lay in my bed and nurse my churning guts. love, i think. who the fuck knows anything about love?
so i thought i’d put itunes on shuffle while i cleaned my house. i never usually do this as i tend to be quite the music nazi. it’s saturday night - i thought i’d go wild. live life on the edge. this is what i got: the old account - johnny cash mexican seafood - nirvana romeo a go-go - every time i die sugar coated sour - dillinger escape plan i thought, hey. this is pretty...
“from my bed
i watch
3 birds
on a telephone
wire.
one flies
off.
then...”
– 8 count - charles bukowski.
in mirrors and in the tub. that’s the only places you’ll feel safe anymore. don’t rush rituals, they will distract you from what a bad girl you’ve been. but inbetween, you’ll go mad with it. every time he reaches down to touch you. your heart will swell and drain until it hurts at the tiniest things, like unanswered phone calls and blank stares. you will wash your...
i am the patron saint of the unfaithful, and here we are to rock your boat. happy homes leave us dry and toothless, we’re just wolves feeding at your door. dont try to step over our bodies, one wrong step and you’re left for dead. baby dont pretend like you didn’t want this, dont pretend like you dont hunger for my mouth. i keep my heart by my bedside so i dont lose it when i go...
im going to try to sleep. feel free to leave me thoughts/secrets/questions here. it’s my favourite thing to wake up to.
i was going to re-read high fidelity (again, over and over) but i got lazy and just watched the film instead. luckily, i appreciate both. i blame summer. the heat makes me lazy.
i am sick of this dance we pull each other through. we make the motions and mouth the words until the other blacks out. i run lead over paper and through guts. i walk away from safe bets because i’ll only end up poisoning their hearts too. but you, you’re a liar just like me. maybe this is why i keep asking, why i keep saying yes to the same tired question. because i know that you will...