January 2010
116 posts
as soon as you had me in your hands, you forgot about the girl i was. you stopped reading what i wrote on walls, stopped listening to my nightmares. you kept me under your feet and i breathed in that still air for a year in the hope that you would remember me, stuck underneath. sometimes i lay in my bed in the afternoons and it makes me sad, the way this turned out. your heart was poison, and now...
MySchool.edu.au launch leads to parent frenzy →
lenier:
Parents rocked by the My School website have already begun pulling their children out of poorly performing schools.
Look, teachers are just as good as they’ve always been at every school. Take an interest in your child’s education and there won’t be a problem. There is a reason Gen X has so much animosity for Millennials. The girls have their shit together but the males are, on...
we make a whore out of love. how many years have we been dragging each other through the thick wet of this? i don’t know when we will say ‘enough’, it seems like we could go on forever. sucking the life out of each other and spitting it back out in ropes to keep the other hanging. i love you selfishly, hungrily. like a wolf with a bloody calf. it’s territorial and...
“boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up. i hope to hell when i do...”
– j.d. salinger.
it all comes down to surrender and staking claims. if i had more heart, i would be involved in this fight, but i am only the soil for you to drive a flag pole through. what right do i have? and what spine do i have, really. just an empty vessel where bones once hung. i don’t have the guts, i don’t deserve the glory. just save me a space at the foot of your bed, and i swear i will not...
locust swarms of words pass between us. plagues and pages burning holes through my bed, through the ceilings of my neighbours below. city lights keep me up all night. all of this space in between my lungs is filled. city lights and cancer and regret and lost loves. all of it is filled. but despite it all, i just feel like walking in your front door and holding you down until you don’t feel...
i remember the way you kissed me, like you were leaving for war. i guess you left for some kind of fight. behind bars and underneath ribs. i wonder how many times your heart stopped when they locked you up tight. i wonder, what your heart thinks now. now that you’re home again and knocking on my door. knocking on my door, then wiping it clean. like you just can’t even come up with a...
it’s almost 2am. i have used everything up, and im still not sleeping. come on, come on. someone swing their fists or their heart at me. i need the distraction.
my fingers smell like cigarettes and i lay in my bed and nurse my churning guts. i don’t eat all day, i just float ash onto my feet and stare at my paintbrushes. like they could save a wretch like me. a reel to reel of white noise plays over and over in my head. i dont know how i feel, i dont know what i want. i dont even feel it when she touches my back, my hair. i just keep closing my eyes...
my eyes are getting older than this body. even when i scrub off all of yesterday’s eyeliner, they’re still so black underneath. i watch movies about lying and love, and i just cry. when his mother dies, when he is comforted afterwards. my mother will not die of old age, my hands will not be held safe by a lover when my mouth is flooded by the weight of it all. i cannot forgive this...
but there are things i cant resist, i am only made of flesh and bone. this mouth was made to water at your touch. you pull me and im threaded like a needle, using my body to stitch my name over your neck. my hands are kept tight between my knees but it’s useless when you’re this close. when you say catastrophe, i say fuck yes.
talking about it is worse than thinking about it.
i hide out under my bed when my mother comes to visit. sometimes for just a minute, sometimes i fall asleep. im not old enough for this, not old enough to be measuring heartbeats and poisons. not old enough to be wrestling with this rock in my throat. i cry during comedies and between grocery stores. sometimes it gets ripped out of me like a cord from a socket. i feel misplaced i just want a...
i walk across oceans in my sleep and get betrayed by lovers whose faces change beneath me. i wish i knew what i was running to, but maybe it’s better that im blind. i sat back today, underneath the shadow of the school where my mother blasphemed and drank her girl pain down with cooking sherry; and i thought maybe i want to be in love. maybe it’s okay to open your arteries. but until i...
em: do you know, that if our stomachs did not store food, we’d have to eat every twenty minutes?
em: and cheetahs are the only animal that can retract their claws.
erin: (laughter)
keith buckley’s shelved side project....
i think about you and i hate myself for it. i wake up with a mouth full of tacks and him at my fingertips. but goddamn it. it’s not supposed to be like this, is it? tell me the truth because maybe nobody ever really gets to be happy. maybe we will all just settle with people who make us smile and wash our sheets, when really we want the one that will open us from the mouths and spill our...
i pin lovers like ribbons to my coat. to remember what i know nothing about. it’s been so long since i gave a fuck about a heart other than hers. sometimes i get scared and i walk into the ocean until i am covered, until i am silent. i stay there until my lungs pickle and my eyes get bleached white. then i pull up my anchor and find my way to solid ground. every night i burn your funeral...
“i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don’t think of you
i...”
– black star - radiohead.
you need to stop promising me, only because one day i will stop believing you. and that will be worse than never having those arms around me.
we sit on silence on a telephone wire, i cry and she lets me. i am scared. of this sickness and the barbed wire i let it create around my heart. i just want for someone, for something to cut me out. i can’t do it on my own.
alyssa: he loves you.
erin: i know. but he wont leave.
I wish I could fight this battle with you, that I...
to whoever wrote this in my formspring: thank you. i keep this behind so many walls. nobody says this to me in real life. i didnt think i needed it, but apparently i do.
i am feeling sick, like the threads from all of my organs have been pulled out, laid out. i am hiding on my back porch with my back against a brick wall, waiting out the night. again, again. i wish that you were here to cry for me, cry and say mercy me. because i can’t cry and i can’t say anything about her. i can’t say a single fucking word because where do i start to make...
“but i once could walk through walls and drift above it all, pursuing endless...”
– after one quarter of a revolution.
my mother calls me and i can feel change dropping into my belly like it’s the metal hull of a payphone. a national debt paid in coin works it’s way back up my throat. the chemotherapy isn’t working, the cancer is spreading, kicking out it’s sick dance under her skin and all over my heart. i dont know how it came to this. sitting on an unmade bed with a belly full of silver...
we exist in each other’s mouths. teeth tongues and truth. come find me when i ask you to, it’s not something i do for fun.
Anybody interested in being in my SuicideGirl...
cwphoto:
If you are at all interested and within a couple hundred miles of me, please reblog this or e-mail me at iamcodyweber at gmail dot com. This is big for me!
sad australia is not within this distance. i need this done.