there is a man
that used to be a boy i knew
he’s now swollen around the
middle
his hair is thin
his eyes look the same
he reads a book about
snakes and venom
and keeps stealing looks at me
i know he recognises me
i can tell he remembers me
sixteen and ripe
with bubblegum lips
but i just drink wine
and stare through him
with no energy
for pleasant words.
i am not sleeping,
just finding letters that i buried in the roof of my mouth.
i wrote them all for you.
im running heartbeats up like phonebills, but it’s all in the name of something that im not even sure i am capable of feeling anymore.
i lay in my bed and nurse my churning guts.
love, i think.
who the fuck knows anything about love?
so i thought i’d put itunes on shuffle while i cleaned my house. i never usually do this as i tend to be quite the music nazi. it’s saturday night - i thought i’d go wild. live life on the edge. this is what i got:
the old account - johnny cash
mexican seafood - nirvana
romeo a go-go - every time i die
sugar coated sour - dillinger escape plan
i thought, hey. this is pretty awesome.
then. out of nowhere.
the friends theme.
i laughed my ass off. apparently i have a whole series of tv theme songs on itunes. this is amazing. im taking the reigns! it’s inspector gadget then who’s the boss.
my saturday in just got a whole lot more awesome.
ps. and! and! to make it even more rad, im right in the middle of making a mixed tape for my best friend. guess who’s getting a cd full of obscure tv theme songs?
in mirrors and in the tub. that’s the only places you’ll feel safe anymore. don’t rush rituals, they will distract you from what a bad girl you’ve been. but inbetween, you’ll go mad with it. every time he reaches down to touch you. your heart will swell and drain until it hurts at the tiniest things, like unanswered phone calls and blank stares. you will wash your dishes in boiling water, you’ll grit your teeth until you feel like your skull will split, until you feel like you’re being punished enough. this is not a life i’d choose for anyone, but now you’re in it there is no way to erase. just keep measuring your breaths and your pound of flesh that you’ll leave for him when you walk out the door. there is nothing beautiful in this. make no mistake, this is your war. but the unfaithful are born for a reason. just dont be so scared that you cannot see yours.
i am the patron saint of the unfaithful, and here we are to rock your boat. happy homes leave us dry and toothless, we’re just wolves feeding at your door. dont try to step over our bodies, one wrong step and you’re left for dead. baby dont pretend like you didn’t want this, dont pretend like you dont hunger for my mouth. i keep my heart by my bedside so i dont lose it when i go down with the ship, i am nothing but a siren song. nothing but an animal. the more i repeat this, the more i know. you’re trying to pry open my ribs and let this love leak, but im stronger than this. im stronger than you.
god forbid i lose footing.
god forbid i hold hope.
the kids aren’t the only ones who coloured all day.
i love my job.
